Monthly Archives: December 2014

Empty Washrooms Are a Girl’s Best Friend


We’re going to stray from the usual topics for a moment and get honest.

For our entire lives, women have been told to be ashamed of bodily functions. It’s not lady like for our bodies to work the way they’re supposed to – and we’ll go to some hilariously extreme measures to ensure everyone thinks our buttholes are sewn up tight with a silky pink ribbon. Even to each other.

I’ve talked to guys about this. They do not do these things. Some to a degree, but they are nowhere near as neurotic as we are.

When you’re in public and have to go, it’s stressful. You don’t want anyone to hear you, and you definitely don’t want anyone to realize how long you’re gone.

Maybe you pretend you got a phone call! That’s a good one. Or at least look at your phone as you’re walking out so it looks like you might make a phone call.

Entering the bathroom is a crucial moment. Maybe you listen at the door to see if someone is in there…

One of two things is about to happen:
1) You’re going to be so happy no one is in there and rush to a stall (probably the furthest one) and try to get it over with before anyone else comes in. OR

2) There will be one or three people in there and your heart will sink. Now, you have 4 options. All equally crazy.

a. Leave. (Not a great option. You’ll look crazy (which you’re not!) and everyone will probably know what just happened)

b. Pull the “I’m just here to wash my hands”, then leave. Viable option.

c. Implement a. or b. and try another washroom if you have that luxury. (Hello, 9th floor washroom at my office.)

d. VERY slowly make your way to your carefully selected stall. VERY slowly undo your pants etc. and then wait it out. You can try and only pee, but that’s risky.

Now you’re all alone. Maybe you need to double check with a quick shoe check. You’re trying to get this over with quickly. Everyone probably has a stopwatch out and knows how long you’ve been gone and thinks you’re so gross for digesting food. Then, oh no, someone walks in. STOP EVERYTHING! Now we’re not fooling ourselves, we know they know what’s happening. There is girl bathroom etiquette. You get super quiet (but not too quiet, you don’t want them thinking they’re alone…). You could even try lifting your feet so they don’t know who it is (especially if you’re sporting flashy shoes)… but again, they may think they’re alone. If you’re right in the middle and there is just no stopping it, there are a few things you can do:

1) toilet paper in the bowl as a little poo cushion

2) a good strong cough

3) maybe you need to blow your nose?

4) the classic, perfectly timed flush

Now let’s talk about the girl that just walked in. If you know there is someone in the stall holding back for your sake, you best be hustling. You pee as quick as you can and you get out of there. If you have to go too, go back to entering the bathroom and skip d. This bathroom is taken. I swear to god, if you are fixing your makeup, I will end you. I can see your shoes.

Once you’re done, if someone has entered the bathroom, you quietly get your toilet paper (so no one hears that you need more than a pee’s worth). You wash your hands, and you get the eff out of there.

When you re-enter society, don’t forget to pretend that you just got off the phone.